


tiffany's diner

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Angst, Depression, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mild Smut, Reincarnation, Stoner Eren Jaeger, Stoner Levi Ackerman, everyone is a stoner in my fics its just a given at this point
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-14
Updated: 2017-12-01
Packaged: 2018-10-19 00:27:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10628355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: In another time and in another place, we'll meet again. So when we meet, please remember me.THIS STORY HAS BEEN DISCONTINUED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE





	1. devil gate drive

Across the busy street lay a 24-hour diner- quiet.

It lit up the dark night with flickering neon- twirled letters reflecting in the puddles outside. It looked as cheap and dirty as everything else on this side of the city, with flaking paint and ugly yellow advertisements for insurance. Telephone cables branched off the side of the building, where birds would usually perch in the light of day.  
The people of London, however, did not stop to take this in. Instead, they busied on past, every human morphing into one dark blob- features indistinguishable under the moonlight.  
The neon coloured the tops of heads and umbrellas as well as the rain drops that stilled onto its grimy windows. Even in its colourful, loud demand to attention- no one took notice of the diner. All except one.

A small, dark haired asian man- no older than a high school student. A large kharki coat adorned his delicate frame, along with boots two sizes too large and slim fit jeans. It was obvious to any passer by that he wore someone else's clothes, perhaps a partner's or a sibling's. His name was Max. But in many ways, it wasn't. In many ways, a lot of him wasn't as it would seem to an outsider.  
In truth, he was a broken human. Not in need of medical help, per say, but that's up for debate. No, Max was not Max. He was Levi. Or that's what he remembered, anyway. He wasn't too sure if he could trust his memories, in any case.

The dual-named man stood across the street from the diner, breathing the smell of rain and watching a few people inside who sat at tables, reading newspapers and smoking. He looked down and watched the rain roll across the waterproof toes of his boots- puddling in the dips. Max, or Levi, sighed as a shiver rattled his frame. Against his better judgement, he carefully crossed the street and entered- seeking refuge from the rain.

The ring of a bell echoed throughout the lone diner, triggered by the young man's entrance. He was unfamiliar with this area, and as such, didn't know what sort of people he might run into. As a precaution, he kept his head down and avoided eye contact. As he dodged through tables towards a booth near the back of the diner, he noted the floor was slightly sticky. When he pulled his foot up, the laminate ripped away from his boot with the sound of velcro. It wasn't a surprise. The cleaning staff didn't strike him as dedicated in the first place. What did surprise him was the jukebox in the corner. It was falling apart, as expected of a place like this, but jukeboxes were rare nowadays. He suspected that it was the most expensive thing in the place. Back in the day, maybe 70's, this diner would've been writhing with people in boot cut jeans and sleeveless tops. They would've had enough money to buy one 11 times over. But now it was just a rotting corpse of it's former self- a vinyl of Devil Gate Drive stuck on repeat.

He slid onto a red faux leather seat, picked apart to expose the innards of the booth. You'd think hipsters would be swarming the place but they might have been put off by the mould, dirt and most likely some rats. It was probably a serious violation of health and safety.

Max/Levi leaned back in his seat, staring at the yellowed ceiling.  
Everyone called him Max. That's what it said on his birth certificate. And up until recently, he called himself Max too. That was up until he blacked out in class, smacking his head on the corner of his desk. He was unconscious for a few hours, and he felt every second.  
Normally, you guide through the void of sleep- forced or not. Max felt like he wasn't sleeping, instead living in another man's story. A man in a struggle for survival- whipping through the trees with gas tanks at his hips and facing thunderous giants who's very footsteps spooked their horses and shook the earth.  
He recognized the name 'Titan' from all those movies his uncle made him watch as a kid, but none came close to standing at the feet of the real thing, looking up at their smiling mouths- expression frozen on their faces so it was more like a mask.

Max was convinced he was crazy when he woke up, gushing about needing a therapist to his mother who sat at the side of his hospital bed.  
He never did get therapy, but ever since then, a name has stuck with him.

Levi.

And all of a sudden, he didn't feel like Max anymore. He didn't feel like a young achiever with a loving, supporting family and a future in the medical industry. Instead, he felt like a hardened war veteran, damaged by his past and instincts sharpened to a fine point. He was more distant from his family, who didn't even feel like family anymore.  
Everytime Max closed his eyes, all he could see was the war he was a leader in, shouldering the deaths of all sent into the field of battle who never returned. He was in a constant state of haze- like his dreams were the real world and the real world was a dream.

Max heard the tell tale sound of velcro, which meant someone was making their way towards his table. Warily, he glanced up, only for the entire world to be drained of colour. Time grinded to a stop. The rain went silent. The record skipped the same line over and over.

Eren.

The name clicked instantly in his head. Eren Jaeger. The titan shifter. Max blinked. Levi wasn't real. Eren wasn't real.

So why was he standing in front of him?


	2. who are you?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How the hell did this happen?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo this is longer than usual so strap up folks

Levi couldn't explain the interaction he had with Eren. It was really how you'd expect. Strange. Scary.  
Eren had stared for a while. Levi too. They both didn't know how to react to the situation. Instead, they didn't talk. Levi just stood up and Eren followed him out of the diner. He was only there for a second and suddenly, it wasn't where he wanted to be.

Levi stepped outside. The street was less busy, but cars still whizzed past- street lights illuminating them both in orange from the front and neon greens from the back- facing away from the diner. A few drunken friends wobbled their way home on the other side of the road, and all way unusually silent, save from the sound of an occasional car.

"Who are you?" Levi asked the sky. He couldn't see any stars.  
"I don't know." Eren replied from beside him, jaw set hard.  
"Who am I?"  
Eren licked his chapped lips, swallowing. He sighed. "I don't know."

Levi crossed the street, Eren by his side. He glanced over to the taller man.  
The guy didn't look like Eren, but it was him. He didn't wear the standard uniform and gear but an old grey band t-shirt, a black hoodie and blue jeans. It didn't suit him. Neither did the long hair and the stubble. That wasn't the face he remembered, but at the same time it was.  
"Do you have a name besides Eren?"  
"Oscar. I don't like it."  
"Max. I don't like mine or yours."

They walked in silence for a while until Eren interrupted it. "How does stuff like this happen?"  
"Don't know, but it's happening."  
Eren paused to process that. "Where are we going?"  
"Parking lot. Roof."  
Eren pulled his hoodie around him tighter. "I'm supposed to be home. Tes is gonna be worried."  
"You're free to go home, but is that really where you need to be right now? After finding out about this?"  
Eren glanced over his shoulder for a second, sighing. "I'll just- I'll just call her. Tell her I'm gonna be home in the morning."  
Levi nodded. Calm as always.  
Eren took out his phone with freezing fingertips and Levi looked back forward- eyes on the parking lot from a distance.  
"Hey Tes. Yeah, yeah. I'm fine."  
Eren scratched at his jaw and Levi's eyes looked away from the building as he watched the movement closely.  
"I'm with a friend, probably gonna be back in the morning. No, I'm sober and staying sober. Okay, yeah. See you in the morning. Night."  
He hung up and shoved his phone back in his pocket, wrapping his hands around the warmth. Eren answered the unspoken question. "Tes is my roommate. Knew each other from secondary school."  
Again, Levi nodded.

Another minute of silence went by before they arrived at the parking lot. They slipped under the barrier and took the stairs to the top floor before pulling themselves up to the roof, landing chest first onto the concrete before wriggling their way upwards. They sat on the edge, legs dangling off. Eren took out a cigarette, offering one to Levi. He took it without a word and Eren lit them both- taking a drag before falling into silence.  
"You reckon it's real?" Eren asked.  
"I don't know. Maybe. Who the hell knows?" He grumbled, taking a second drag. "All I know is that you shouldn't fucking be here."  
"Neither should you."  
"No. We shouldn't."  
"Then where do we belong?" Eren rubbed his face, cigarette carefully angled away.  
"Don't ask me. I always thought I belonged here. But now..." Levi groaned, brushing back his fringe. "Now I'm more him than me. I used to be a fucking straight A student- going to Harvard or something." He chuckled darkly. "Now look at me. I don't remember which way's up anymore."

A car horn honked distantly and Eren breathed smoke- watching it dissipate into the air and be pulled apart by the wind.

"Why the hell am I even asking these questions?" He groaned. "No one fucking knows."  
Levi shrugged. "Guess we'll just have to deal with it."  
"So, what? We exchange numbers? Go back to our lives and pretend that you're not a figment of my imagination come to bloody life?"  
Levi rubbed the crease of his eyebrows. "I'm not exactly an expert at this, either. I have no idea what to do."

A few minutes passed. The cigarettes were almost at their limits.  
"You think there's others? Out there?" He asked, waving his hand vaguely in the direction of the city below them.  
"You say you're gonna stop asking questions but you don't."  
Eren ignored him. "If you're here, there might be others. Your team, my friends."  
"I don't have a team. It's fucking crazy- you're not even real."  
"Well how else do you explain me being here? You being here?"  
"I don't know." Levi rubbed his forehead with the heel of his palm. He was getting a headache. "Two crazy people?"  
Eren sighed, letting himself deflate. "Really crazy, then."

Eren soaked the last bit of life out of his cigarette before putting it out on the ground beside him. Levi joined him before laying on his back, watching the sky. Eren copied- kicking the side of the building where his legs hung over.  
"I..." The taller started. "I'm glad I'm not alone in this."  
"Yeah. Me too."

An hour passed, Eren whistling hauntingly as it reverberated around the sky. "Wanna go get Chinese?" Levi asked. "I'm hungry."  
Eren nodded. "Sure. I could go for some egg fried rice."  
They slid down the roof back through the top story window, swinging their way through. It wasn't a long walk to the Chinese and they stood outside with their food in a bag, hot against Levi's cold body. "Where do you wanna go to eat it?" Eren asked.  
"It's cold. Kinda just wanna go home, but my parents will be there."  
"You still live with your parents?"  
"I'm 21. Still figuring stuff out."  
"You're younger than me." Eren stated. "I'm 26."  
Levi scrunched his eyebrows. "That's weird."  
"Yeah. We can go to my place- I can tell Tes I'll be home sooner. She won't bother us." Eren checked the time on his phone. "It's half 4. A little earlier than I was planning to return, but still morning."  
Levi nodded. "Okay. You have a sofa I can sleep on?"  
"Yeah, it's comfy. Flat's just about 30 minutes away."

*

"Tes is nice. Might come onto you- she has to me. Just a warning." Eren noted. They were about 10 minutes away now.  
"I'm safe. I have a defense system."  
"Oh yeah? What's that?"  
"Sorry, I'm a huge cock lover."  
Eren scoffed, followed by a short laugh. "You're not how I remember you."  
"Neither are you. And it's not remembering."  
"Then what is it?"  
"Imagining."  
"Imagining in sync?"  
"Yes."  
Eren rubbed his left temple. "Yes that's highly possible." He remarked. Levi caught onto the tone.  
"Look, every theory has the same amount of possibility because the entire situation in itself is batshit crazy."  
"One of em has to make sense." Eren pleaded to no one in particular.  
A short silence.  
"What about reincarnation?"  
"What about it?" Levi questioned skeptically.  
"You know what about it. Maybe we were reincarnated."  
"Yeah, okay. Sure. And you're not mental at all for suggesting that."  
"Fuck off. Just think about it. When we died in that shitty, titan-infested life we were reborn into this less shitty, titan-free life. As like, a reward for good behaviour or something."  
"Like Father Christmas but for life? Isn't that like, God or something?"  
Eren contemplated. "Holy shit, you're right. Life Santa reincarnated us."  
"No, no, no. Look." Levi stressed. "We were not fucking reincarnated by God. If anything we were..." Levi was lost for words for a second, his hand pausing in the air from where he was gesturing. "We were like, reborn from the fucking ground or some shit- I don't know."  
Eren sighed. "This is weird. I want to know what happened."  
"Me too, but we probably won't. We just have to keep on living our lives. No matter which way you look at it, we are not the people we are in our heads. Maybe we were, but not anymore. We can't just abandon everything to find the truth. I have responsibility. So do you."  
Eren looked at the ground. They soon reached the flat.

Eren punched in the numbers for the door, shoving open the blue, peeling pile of shit with his shoulder, throwing his weight into it. They walked up two flights of manky, sticky stairs before arriving at his place. As he unlocked the door, a voice called from inside.

"Oscar?"  
"Yeah, I'm home. Brought my friend Max with me."

Levi assumed it was Tes who stepped out. Her curly, natural dark hair reached just past her shoulders and stood proudly in a messy, stylish look. Her dark skin shone a slight blue from her left side where the living room door was open, light from the t.v. reaching her. She was dressed in a tank top and pyjama shorts decorated in kittens.  
"Oh, hey. I'm Tes."  
"Hey." Levi greeted from the doorway. Eren gestured him to go inside before he locked the door, tossing the keys into a bowl on an end table.  
"What are you still doing up?" Eren asked. "Thought you'd be asleep by now."  
"I couldn't. Got hooked onto this new series instead. A healthy replacement for sleep, I promise you." She leaned on the wall, scanning Levi from top to bottom.  
"Mhm, trust you." Eren commented.

They all entered the living room and Tes began to clean up her stuff. "I'm gonna go to bed. Seems like you want the space. You sleeping here, Max?" She asked.  
"Uh, yeah. Not if it's not cool with you, I won't."  
"It's fine! You won't bother me. Wish Oscar had the mind to buy me something from wherever you went to get the food, though."  
"Sorry, didn't have much cash on me. Only £15. I'll get you something tomorrow." Eren apologized, helping her sort away a few things.  
"Much appreciated, dearie. I'll see you in the morning." She pat Eren's cheek lightly and he laughed. "Okay. Goodnight."  
"Goodnight Oscar, goodnight Max."  
"Night." Levi replied awkwardly, watching as she left the room.

"Right, let's eat this takeout. Probably have to microwave it first, though." Eren said, unwrapping a container of chips. "Nope, I was wrong. Still warm."  
They spread the food out over the coffee table and hardly spoke as they ate- quietly enjoying the lukewarm food.

"You know, this situation is weird and all that, but I don't mind it." Eren started. The birds were chirping again as it approached early morning- a vague light beginning to form beyond the curtains.  
"Me either. It's kinda..." Levi trailed off, searching for a word.  
"Cool?"   
"Yeah. I guess it's kinda cool." Levi admitted.  
Both yearned for sleep, but continued to eat. This night had been crazy, and they both weren't sure if they wanted this carefree moment to end just yet.

"Do your parents know you're out?" Eren asked.  
"No. Well, they probably do by now, considering I'm not there."  
"You should call em. They probably think you've been snatched off the streets or something."  
"No, I do this all the time. They're used to it."  
"Well," Eren shoved a chip in his mouth, chewing quickly. "If you ever find yourself needing somewhere to get away from everything, instead of tacky ass, shady looking diners, come here instead."  
Levi's shoulders felt weirdly light. He gently exhaled. "Sure. Thanks."

Eventually, they were too tired to carry on and Levi settled onto the sofa- stripping himself of his jacket and shoes. Eren stretched, watching him silently.  
"Well, I'll see you in the afternoon. My room is the one right by this one, so just come in if you need anything."  
"Okay. Thanks again, Eren."  
"No problem. Have a good sleep."  
"You too."

Eren left the room and Levi grabbed the blanket from the back of the sofa and settled down, watching the ceiling. Within 2 minutes, he was out like a light. Eren, however, was not.

For that night, all he could think about was the war. 


	3. forgetting and remembering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In that moment, he remembered the marks from the leather.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk like it'll pick up from here on

It was the afternoon by the time Levi stirred. His back was aching and his legs clammy and sore from being trapped in jeans all night, and he felt oddly restless. A cold sweat covered his frame and the blanket he had draped over him. It was a deep sleep, but not a good one.

He stood and stretched, shivers wracking his frame. Winter was approaching, and it was frosty outside. The blankets were cold, as were his clothes, so all he could do was rub at his arms and suck it up.

Rubbing his eyes of sleep and combing a hand through his slightly damp hair, he wandered into the kitchen. The laminate was peeled up in some places and coffee stains ran down the white cabinets. The windows were covered in damp, and Levi's nose wrinkled in mild disgust. Was nowhere clean?

Tes was reaching upwards towards the top of the cabinet, fetching herself some off-brand cereal. She turned around when she felt Levi's presence.  
"Mornin'. Or should I say afternoon? Must be about 2 o'clock by now. You tired?"  
Levi responded with a yawn, his face drained of colour but eyes slightly red around the rims.   
Tes nodded in agreement. "I feel ya'. I only woke up about an hour ago."  
Levi gestured to the cereal in her hands. "Why breakfast, then?"  
"Nothing else in the house. We're mad broke. I think we might have like... pasta or something but that takes ages."  
"I can cook you something. I'm pretty good."  
"That would be cool, actually. I think we have some random bits of food here and there."  
Levi gestured for her to move out of the way and she did, so he was able to get at the cabinets. "I'll see what I can do."

*

While the korma and chicken were cooking on the hob, Eren walked into the room fully dressed. "Cooking? This never happens."  
Levi let out a huff of amusement. "You're lucky you have me, then."  
"He's awesome!" Tes explained, a mouth full of food. She held up the burrito (made with a tortilla) she was scoffing on as an example. "I didn't even know we had vegetables!"  
"Well, they were frozen." Levi reasoned, feeling a little embarrassed at the praise. "I did what I could. Would have been easier if you guys bought fresh food."  
Eren took a bite out of Tes's burrito, much to her shouts of protest. "It's good. Real good. Ought to appoint you as head chef."  
Levi scoffed, patting around the kitchen counter for a particular item. He frowned. "Pass me the sea salt, would you? With the grinder. It's disappeared somewhere."  
Eren was amused. "Yes chef."  
Levi pretended not to be.

*

After a filling breakfast, (lunch, dinner?) Levi entered the bathroom. The back of his collar was damp with sweat, and Levi flushed with embarrassment that he had allowed himself to talk to both Eren and Tes while stinking like that. They didn't seem like they minded much, though. Good people still exist, they're just hard to find.

When the dial was turned, Levi felt like a man stuck in a drought for years, finally feeling that drop of water on his tongue as the heavens opened and the deserts turned to sea once more. He let his head loll back, hands locked over his nape lessen the ache there. It felt good to shower.

It was only when he cracked open one eye, fearful on the ongoing downpour, he noticed the blood.

It swirled and diluted itself around Levi's feet, seeping under his nails and disappearing down the drain. Fluff from his socks stuck to the dry blood on his heel and the sides, and his ankle was worn and sore.

This is what cheap clothes and travelling did to you. Blistered, hard feet and bloody soles. It was familiar.

In that moment, he remembered the marks from the leather.

They used to rub his whole body, leaving tinted brown stains on his feet and if he was unfortunate enough, rashes. Every day it was new injury layered over new injury, as if the war hadn't left enough scars anyway. He remembers one day, putting cream over every mark. Just moisturiser, nothing medical, but he remembered praying to god that something would help, but nothing ever did. You can't heal an injury that is inflicted every day.

Levi stared at his legs where the straps would have been.

He doesn't have scars. He's never had scars.

He lifted his palm to his forehead, fingers tangled into wet hair. He made a pained face, eyes squinted closed and mouth locked into a grimace.

But he did, didn't he?

It wasn't long before he stepped out, sick of being trapped in his own thoughts, and dressed into the clothes Eren had left for him, hanging over the radiator to keep them warm. Levi had fallen in love with the fabric softener Eren used. It smelled like chamomile. Like home.

Levi blinked back tears and left the bathroom once his eyes had returned to normal.

*

Eren sat on the sofa, blinking.

The shower was running in the other room and he could hear the faint bass of Tes's music from her bedroom- muffled and disorienting.   
The t.v. was playing some sort of sit-com, the laugh track going off every 5 seconds and the colours flashing over Eren's face and reflecting in his dead, blank eyes.

Eren didn't feel alive.

Underneath his fingertips he could feel the scratchy surface of the armrest and the breeze from the open window sent chills down his spine. He could smell the burritos Levi had cooked earlier and taste them on his tongue.

He could feel, but he wasn't there. Dead to the world.

His fingers twitched, the first movement in a long time. He sighed. He could still move.

The laugh track sounded again. It mocked him.

Fake people living fake lives in their fake houses with their fake relationships.

His life. His fake life.

The night when Tes kissed him, when his mum booted him out of the house because he stole some money, the two years he spent busking on the street and the long nights he's spent laughing and talking with his college friends. It was fake. All of it.

But back then... that was real. The war. The hurt. The loss. The anger. The love.

Eren leaned his head back and stared at the ceiling. It was stained and mouldy around the edges.

Oscar Jäger, for the past 26 of his life, had been living a fucking lie.

A laugh track.

Eren's thinking was abruptly cut off by the opening of a door. The shower had stopped and out emerged Levi, the shoulders of Eren's t shirt wet from his hair. He was rubbing his hair vigorously with a towel, walking into the living room. He sat down heavily next to Eren, knees touching.  
"Hey." He started.  
Eren switched over the channel to something about birds and replied, "Hey."  
Levi continued to rub at his hair, cheeks flush with heat and knee bouncing- a habit of his Eren had picked up on. But he didn't seem nervous right now.   
Eren watched him. Levi was staring at his toes.

Maybe he was just always nervous.

"Do you wanna' go somewhere?" Eren asked. The flat was too sad right now; too caged.  
"Right now?" Levi peeked out from under the towel, eyes flashing blue as the natural light hit them.  
"Not right now. After you've dried your hair."  
He thought. A beat passed. "Okay."

Levi didn't ask where Eren was planning to go, which was good, because Eren didn't know either. He never did. He smiled, and Levi smiled back. It felt alien hanging from his face. It never did before.

Not before he started to remember.

*

The windows in the car were rolled down, and they were both freezing. Neither of them touched them, though. They deserved to be numb.  
Eren's hands tightly gripped the wheel, pale and yellow around the knuckles. Levi bit his fingernails, knee bouncing again.

They were going to the beach. The reason for which Eren refused to disclose, stating he "just needed to go, Levi."   
Levi had brushed it off. It wasn't any of his business, and Eren looked bad today. Then again, so did he. They both looked coked up and ready to snap or cry. Neither of them knew which.

It was a windy day, too. The sky was dark and hardly any one was out- being already in work or staying inside, cuddled up inside a blanket with a mug of tea.   
Levi shivered. He could use that. He really could.

He looked over to Eren, expecting some kind of reaction to the weather, but all he found was a stern faced, pale and sickly man- jaw tense and eyes focused on the road ahead.

Levi wanted to reach out to him, but something inside himself stopped his hand from moving out of the warm confines of his thighs. He looked untouchable. Unfeeling.

Eren Jaeger was an empty shell of a man and he could do nothing about it.

The car slowed to a hault and Levi heard the familiar sound of pebbles crunching below tires and seagulls crying overhead. The wind blew stronger near the coast and caused all of his hair to go into his mouth, where he promptly pulled it out.

They both sat in the car for a while, neither moving or talking. Just looking. The smell of coffee was carried by the wind over from a nearby café. The smell alone made Levi feel warmer, and he longed for a taste. Instead he sat, knowing that this is where Eren needed to be. Eventually, Eren seemed to get restless and he got out of the car, slamming the door with much more force than necessary. Levi closed it far gentler and followed behind the long-legged Eren, already speeding off towards the rocks. He jogged to catch up.

They scaled the rocks towards the sand, slipping and sliding on the slimy, moss covered surface. Levi remembered falling from one of these rocks before and slicing his hand on a jagged edge when he was a kid. They had to pour bottled water over it and cover it with a beach towel to stop the blood. Unfortunately, it also covered the cut in sand and he went to the doctors crying, in fear of infection. He kept this in mind as he slowly and carefully made his way down, testing each rock before standing on it.

Eren thudded onto the sand loudly and Levi followed by example, landing next to him in a carefully practiced crouch. He pushed himself up off the floor with his palm and stood up to face the ocean.

Oh yeah, the ocean.

Levi looked over to Eren.

He'd forgotten about that.

 


	4. don't try to fix me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A broken smile crossed his face, like someone dropped it on the floor and it shattered into a million pieces. Then with my lips I tried to mend it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so the style of this chapter is a little weird because I actually like... tried. also, look an update. how rare

I watched the waves, untamed and dangerous, like a lion. They roared, and I couldn't help but think that's exactly what they are. Lions with manes of seaweed, eyes of pebbles and jaws of water.  
The wave bounded towards me and tripped, landing on the shore with an earth shattering crash. It reverberated throughout my body, bouncing around in my rib cage like a pin ball.

My words broke the silence and despite Levi's focus, I felt like he couldn't actually hear me.  
"I'm not... happy." The words broke out of me so violently I felt myself lurch forward a little, popping bones out of place. Levi didn't say anything but I felt it. He knew already. I wanted to say more, but it felt like my throat had closed up, blocking me off from saying another word. I choked on my feelings and Levi appeared beside me, hands so gentle on my shoulder. He must've thought that with too hard of a press I might've keeled over, but he was wrong. With too hard of a press I might've simply collapsed into little sharp bits.

He couldn't think of what to say and I couldn't either, so we didn't say anything. But he lifted his fingers and they brushed my shoulder like feathers, and I soon realized he was playing.

He was playing the piano.

His fingers glided over the imaginary keys like a bird in flight, ever so gentle and ever so graceful. They were beautiful, and I found myself closing my eyes, feeling every cold press of his fingertips. I wondered what song he was playing, and I tried to fit one to the beat, but found none. I knew I wouldn't be able to tell anyway but something about thinking, "what if he writes his own songs?" warmed me to the core.

Did the captain write his own songs?

"If it's any consolation, I'm not either." He whispered, the words getting carried off into the breeze. I glanced over at him where he stared at the ocean blankly, with all the colour drained from his eyes. "That doesn't help me." I replied, eyebrows furrowing into the deep set ridges I created for them.  
"No, I didn't think it would." He turned to me, eyes squinted against the wind and fingertips close to breaking off. "I know something that might, though."  
"Yeah?"  
He shrugged heavily, shoulders falling from the weight placed upon them. He met my eyes and nodded. "Give me your keys."  
Reluctantly my hand went into my pocket to fish them out and he stood up, brushing the sand off his ass and legs. "I'll be back in a sec. Stay here." He hooked his fingers through one of my keyrings and headed towards my car, swinging them around and around the tip of his finger carelessly. When he returned it's with a backpack I kept stashed in the footwells of the back seats filled with, what I saw, was things dotted around the car, like half finished packets of gum and my dad's driving gloves.

I took out my wallet, holding it far away from me. "What's all this for?"  
"Chuck it."  
A lightening bolt shot through my spine and I jumped, blinking in disbelief at Levi, shaking the backpack full of possessions at me. "Go on, throw it in the ocean." He insisted, shoving the bag into my hands. I pushed it away firmly. "What are you- why? I- I need all this. My, my driver's license-"  
"Sure, whatever, keep them but chuck out the wallet." I shook my head roughly as he continued to insist and I continued to protest. "Why? Why would I do this?"  
He cocked his head and put his hands behind his back and in that moment, I noticed the backpack was in my hands. He looked at me expectantly with grey eyes, expression soft and eyebrows raised, and that's the first time it occurred to me that Levi is beautiful.  
"Isn't it obvious?" He pushed, taking a soft grip of my arm, stroking me gently with his thumb. "You need to let go. Just chuck shit into the ocean."  
I was being pushed to the water by a pair on insistent hands, as I tried and failed to get away, back up, duck away but he was firm. We stood just shy of the water's edge and he gestured to the wallet.  
I looked into his eyes one more time.  
Then, I threw the wallet.

 

It sailed into space, leaving a trail of sickness behind it. But it couldn't reach me anymore and I suddenly felt out of breath, like in return for getting rid of my wallet, I regained something. Was it my heart?

I looked at Levi. He looked at me.

_Ba-thump._

I looked away and it was gone. But it was there. It was bright, shining, glowing, sudden, terrifying, nauseating and every other word in the English dictionary. It crashed over me like a tsunami and then I floated, lost in the waters but so unbelievably, breathtakingly, heartwrenchingly free.

I heard sounds but no words, but then I saw a hand, and then a face. Levi asked me, "Are you alright?" and the world rocked and shook beneath my feet like it was standing on one leg. I collected my breath and realized I was crouching, so I stood up, despite the earth throwing a tantrum. Levi didn't seem to feel it. That hurt a little.

"I'd be lying if I said I'm alright but," the waves crashed against the shore violently. I used to think that was peaceful, now I realized I was wrong. Waves formed as the ocean opened it's mouth and attempted to swallow me. But stood on the sand, far away, bone dry, it couldn't. My eyes searched the horizon for something, whilst at the same time not knowing what it is until I found it.  
I found Levi, lips cracked from the wind, nose red and eyes bloodshot and cold. His pupils told me nothing. "But I'm not bad." I finished.  
A broken smile crossed his face, like someone dropped it on the floor and it shattered into a million pieces. Then with my lips I tried to mend it, pressing softly and then pressing hard, sliding my hand underneath his chin to cup his unmoving jaw. I urged him to kiss back, pressing my lips to the edges of his mouth but he wouldn't. Slowly, I pulled away and realized my lips were cut from the shards of his smile, oozing blood. I brought my face away to stare at him and dropped my hand, but he said nothing. I turned away, heart hammering in my chest.

"I think there's a café nearby, I can smell it. Do you want to get something to eat?"

And with a voice like winter, he replied, "No, Eren. Just take me back."

No matter how hard I tried I couldn't vomit the words out, so instead I swallowed them and they sat in my stomach with a dull ache. I nodded, and we headed back to my car, the stones crunching underneath his feet like pieces of my heart. I watched him walk- _one step, two step._ His heels stomped them into the ground and I couldn't bear to look.  
_Three-step, four-step._

Maybe I was better off without my heart.

-

The music wasn't helping much. Nothing could disperse the thick, black cloud hanging over Levi's head like his own personal thunderstorm, hair and shoulders soaked from his rain. With one hand he held a knife in my stomach, which he twisted round and round and round, and with the other he squeezed my lungs to a pulp as I wheezed and coughed to try and bring them back to life.  
Despite the trauma that was going on with my internal organs, I forced myself to speak.  
"I'm sorry." Is the first thing I croaked out. Levi didn't reply, instead choosing to look out of the window. I could hear my belongings rattling in the backpack, now sat on one of the back seats.  
"I'm so sorry."  
Levi picked at the stains on his t-shirt. "Next time you feel like pity sex, don't turn to me."  
My fingers tightened on the wheel and my shoulders rose. "That's not what that was. I like-"  
"You're miserable, Eren. Don't mistake wanting the physical comfort of a person for actually having feelings for them." His picking got violent. "It hurts people."  
I opened my mouth to protest but he shut me up quickly. "It hurts me."

The words stayed in the air and we were silent. I reached for Levi's hand to comfort him but he snatched it away quickly, nails scraping my fingers. I placed it back on the gear stick, swallowing hard. "Why does it hurt you?"  
He refused to look at me once again. Instead he hissed out, "Shut the fuck up."  
And I did.

-

I pulled into the parking lot outside of the block of flats and Levi got out, slamming the car door behind him and storming off to the entrance, where he was forced to wait for me because he didn't have the key.  
Instead of following him, I sat silently in the car, head in my hands and elbows resting on the wheel.

I'd fucked up. I'd fucked up really bad. Now Levi hated me because I couldn't keep my hands to myself.

I groaned loudly then, with no warning, I slammed by head down on the horn and Levi jumped out of his skin- the beep long and irritating. I lifted my head again and combed my hands through my hair, straightening the neckline of my t-shirt and leaving the car finally.

-

The door to the flat shut heavily, like closing a safe. We were alone- no sign of Tes. I turned to Levi who was stood silently in the hall, looking down at his sand covered shoes. "We should talk."  
"No." He cut me off quickly.  
"I wasn't just doing it because I'm lonely or sad or-"  
"Why were you doing it then?" Levi cried. "Why on earth would you kiss me? What possible reason could you have? You don't like me, you barely know me!"  
"I knew you back-" I shouted.  
Levi got louder, he was practically screaming. "YEAH. _KNEW_! YOU _KNEW_! I'M NOT LEVI, AND YOU'RE NOT EREN."

Our argument was cut off when there came three sharp bangs on the wall and a muffled 'shut the fuck up!' from the other side. I lowered my voice, now wary of my neighbours, and spoke. "Then let me know you."  
Levi scoffed over my sentence, and I carried on speaking. "Let me get to know Max." I said softly, and Levi looked away.

There was a silence, and Levi turned to me, eyes soft. I grew hopeful, and took a tender step towards him. His expression remained steady as he replied.

"No."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yup, yuuuuupp. here comes the angst train.


	5. skin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I think I remember kissing someone in my dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter, but w/a lot of stuff in it

I think I remember kissing someone in my dreams. Or maybe the essence of a kiss. The feeling of smooth skin, the tingle of contact. I don't remember the name of the person I was kissing, not even sure if they had a face, but I knew their love. I didn't know the most basic things about them but I knew them- their true self.  
And wafting through my dreams like a bad smell, was the oozing of their despair. Their numbness. Their true self.

I wake up like you'd wake up from a nightmare, jolting and sudden. My breath escapes me sharply, and I fight the lingering fear that prevents my limbs from moving and I decide to stand.   
Sickness is all I can register in my throat, and my chest feels heavy. And I remember the reason why when I walk into the living room and see Levi sleeping on the sofa, head resting on my uncomfortable decorative pillow that my mother insisted would make my home look more welcoming. He's wrapped in a blanket I normally drape over the end of my bed, and he looks pale.

Looking at him feels wrong. Him being there feels wrong, like I never invited him to sleep there. Like he's a squatter in an abandoned home.

I vaguely remember making a cup of coffee due to the noise of the kettle, but what wakes me up fully is walking back through the living room to go back to my bedroom and seeing Levi pushing the skin of his cheeks back and righting his t-shirt that slipped into an odd position in the night. He sees me, and we lock eyes.   
"Hey." I croak.  
He meekly hums in acknowledgement of my presence, and pushes his black hair out of his face. I can't stand this.

I sit down next to him, and he jumps as the sofa dips. He can't go back to sleep now, I'm sitting in his former head space. We sit stiffly next to each other, like you'd sit next to a stranger on a bus- trying desperately not to touch shoulders or knees, constantly tense.

"I'm broken." I say. His hand curls slightly, fingers twitching where they lay on his lap. He stares at the carpet. "And I feel like you can fix me."  
"I can't fix anyone, Eren."  
I turn to him. "You don't have to fix me yourself. Just you being here can fix me."  
He swallows. "I'm broken too. I can't do anything."  
I take his hand. His nails dig into me, and the grip is uncomfortable, but it keeps me alive. Touch.   
"I can be your missing piece. I already am. And you're mine." I sigh, and he seems closer than before.  
"I haven't felt as alive before as I do with you here. Like I just woke up from a dream."  
He looks at me with worried eyes, chewing his bottom lip. "Isn't the dream the good part?"  
"No. Because it isn't real. You're real. You're so... real."

My chest heaves as he opens his mouth. I speak before he can. "Please don't tell me no, Levi, I can't bear to hear you say it again. I can't deal with this anymore." I feel like I want to cry, but my eyes are dry. "I just need you. You're what I've been missing, and I don't think I can ever return to my life now that I know you exist."

And suddenly my sharp edges smooth out as I feel Levi press close. Our chests touch and I hear his breath leave him. His fingers flutter across my jaw and his hands are so warm. His body is so warm, so alive. My hand wraps around his forearm. His breath fans across my face and our lips press together with plush softness, gentle and sweet. Levi's lips don't feel like glass anymore, they feel like velvet and I try and press myself impossibly close. Soon he's on my lap and he's curved into my shape so perfectly that there isn't a single part of us that isn't touching. His hands hold the side of my neck, rubbing up and down as mine mimic the same motions on his back, pulling him tight so we weld together. Our noses bump, our tongues meet and I feel his eyelashes brushing against me- making me lose myself further and further into the feel of his lips until the only thing I can register is his body, his mind, his soul.  
Still intertwined in each other, we stop moving and just touch lips. No pushing, no pressing- we're so close that our lips are still against one another without attempt. I speak against them in a low and smooth tone, and the sound is almost contained in the bubble of LeviandEren, and no one else can hear it from the outside. No one else can breathe our breath, feel our heat.

"I'm... I can't believe you're in my life."

He tilts my head upwards with his delicate fingertips, gently coaxing me to meet his eyes. My skull is as light as a feather as I oblige. His voice is soft, and quiet- sore from disuse. "I'm happy I am." His eyes flicker with something, and his lips part. "Oh my God, I'm happy."  
The feeling is so foreign and overwhelming that he does the only thing he can do- he cries. He sobs and sobs and I hold into him tightly as he does.  
He kisses me again, harder this time, breathing in like he's trying to detect a faint smell in the air. He cries and we kiss, so harshly and so overwhelmingly that he doesn't stop crying for about twenty minutes.

We can't bear to let each other go, so we don't. We leave the living room and he curls up under my sheets. Soon, our clothes are lost and all I can feel is his skin moving against mine; the heaving of his chest as he curves his spine up from the mattress, begging for me even though he already has me.  
His scent is all over me and mine all over him, to the point where I can't tell which is which. I can't tell anything about us apart. Is this my bed or his? My arm or his? My breath or his? My voice or his? I can't tell because it's become our bed, our arm, our breath, our voice. We've rolled into one hot ball of fiery emotion and all we can do is beg and writhe- bathing in passion.

His toes curl and his head thrashes and his whole body tenses around me, pain from his nails digging into my shoulders combined with the pleasure of sex.  
I don't remember when it was over. I don't remember if I even finished. All I remember is Levi. Levi, Levi, Levi, Levi, Levi, Levi, Levi, Levi, Levi.

I register tracing the contours of his body gently with my fingers in the quiet aftermath- hair stuck to my forehead and muscles glistening in the lamplight. His breath fans over the shell of my ear as we hold eachother. I swallow the collected spit in my mouth in preparation to talk, but he presses the soft pad of his thumb against my lips to stop me. That's soon replaced with his own lips, and I roll over to hover over him. We don't have to talk. We shouldn't talk, because right now our bodies say more than words ever could.

Sleep finally begins to creep up behind my eyelids and I slow the pressure of my lips and begin to slump. He notices this, and pushes my shoulders firmly so I drop onto my back, then he tenderly curls into my side with a palm laying open on my chest, two fingers slightly curled as he relaxes his whole body. His head goes under my chin and we lay there in the comfort of one another, breathing matching up in a soothing rhythm.

Levi's words echo in my head.

_"I'm happy."_

A smile twitches at the corner of my mouth, because for once in my life, I am too.


End file.
